I realised Valentine's was approaching when PayPal sent me an email reminding me. The company were very kindly enquiring if I needed any help with my Valentine's purchases. Purchases plural, to emphasise.
Dear Paypal,
No I do not need any help with my purchases.
1. I don't have any purchases to me, thank you for reminding.
2. I don't have anyone making purchases for me, so I shall be deleting your correspondance, and not 'forward[ing] to a friend'.
3. I don't need your help. Thank you for the offer, maybe next year.
I hope my mother sends me a card again this year. Mother Ball (as she's fondly known to so many) sends an anonymous valentine's occasionally. It's quite sweet, but also quite upsetting because her lack of consistency from year to year often means upon the first minutes post-opening I do get excited and start brain storming on who on earth sent it. So much pity from myself and others when I realise my own mother choose to send me a card. As yet, I've never put pity on my christmas list, so to receive it for Valentine's Day is hardly welcome.
Ladies and gentleman, as they often say, 'you can't make this shit up'. I just received another Valentine's email, this time from 'TheDrinkShop.com' - I once bought a bottle of posh vodka for a friend a couple of years ago.
'Gift Ideas for Valentine's Day!
Win a bottle of Angelique Swiss Absinthe!'
Win a bottle of Angelique Swiss Absinthe!'
Now there's a gift idea for the 21st century. Why lavish your supposed loved one with chocolates and flowers when you can distort their world with a bottle of 72% alcohol.
My suggestion? Listen to some Ella Fitzgerland, have a coffee, and delete your paypal account.
My suggestion? Listen to some Ella Fitzgerland, have a coffee, and delete your paypal account.
